Finding Strength
by bakasai42
Summary: Sakuragi's POV on life before joining the team. Gomen, I can't summarize this any better. If you've got nothing better to do, read it. That's pretty much what I was feeling when I wrote it, anyhow.


Finding Strength  
I used to be angry at the world all the time. In my mind, nothing I did would matter, because no matter what happens, the world would find some way to break me. The world is cruel, I thought.   
  
Going through life in the world was like swimming in the middle of the ocean; even when it's not tempestuous, the waters run deep, and you can only swim so far before the current takes you back, far away from shore.   
  
No matter how hard you fight, you'll end up right where you started, and several breaths closer to exhaustion. You'll feel your legs start to give out, and pretty soon, you'll be swallowing seawater...and then the sea will swallow you.  
  
Yeah...I was an angry kid, all right, and I was twice as stubborn. I refused to accept the possibility that I would lose. Not to anyone, not to anything. Even though life was hard, I had too much pride to accept defeat. So I decided make myself stronger and tougher... and I would win in the end.   
  
I became obsessed with the idea of being a fighter. I will face many enemies, and I would learn from each of my battles. I'll become strong and tough, and no one and nothing would be able to hurt me. If they tried, they would be the ones to get hurt.   
  
But in my search for strength, I got lost.   
  
I got into a lot of fights, all right, and made a name for myself. I eventually became the most fearsome battler in the neighborhood, and everyone stayed out of my way.   
  
But I wasn't alone. When you have a reputation like mine, you couldn't afford to be. The kind of guys I fight don't take losing lightly, especially not to some snot-nosed newcomer. They'd surely grab any opportunity to get me back for the humiliation I had caused. One mistake, and I could end up crippled for life.  
  
So I joined a gang. In fact, I became part of the toughest gang in our side of the city. I had to be, because no one else was willing to take on all of my previous enemies. So there we were, the meanest, most dreaded gang, whose sole purpose in life was to fight and to win.   
  
I'm ashamed to admit it, but I've collected my fair share of protection money from the locals. I needed the money to buy medicine for my old man, who'd been having problems with his heart, and I didn't know what else to do. No shop owner would hire me, knowing who I was. They'd all seen me around, and they knew what kind of people I hung around with.   
  
Since I couldn't earn money, I was forced to take it. My gang and I would take money from people who couldn't defend themselves, and we'd take money from the shop owners... the same ones who refused to hire me.   
  
I remember the way they looked at me whenever we pass by their stores... they regarded me with fear and contempt. And I remember how I'd look at myself in the mirror every morning, trying to remember why I had become such a monster. I had just wanted to be strong. I was the strongest and the toughest, sure... but I was an outcast.   
  
I tried to become better than I was. I quit the gang, and I tried making new friends. I made friends with Yohei and the guys, but it was only because no one else would. They were all outcasts, just like me.  
  
I tried doing better for myself. I tried my luck at getting an honest job again. I didn't want to be a thug all my life, and I wanted to leave my past behind me. But even though I was determined to move on, the damage had been done. I had made a reputation for myself. Sakuragi the troublemaker. Sakuragi the bully. Sakuragi the failure. Everyone knew what I was, and everyone knew that there was no saving people like me.  
  
Don't get involved with him.   
  
He'll only drag you down.  
  
So I was never able to get anywhere. Nobody wanted to help me.   
  
No one believed I could do it by myself, either.  
  
I became bitter. My pride would kick in, and I would be working hard to become better on my own. I believed that I could do it. I knew that the best of me was still hidden, and that if I dug deep enough, I would find the strength to reach my goal.   
  
I would prove them wrong.  
  
But strength that is drawn from pride and bitterness dies quickly. Though the fire may burn fiercely, it's only for a moment. After that, there's nothing left...only darkness and anger.  
  
I needed someone to believe in me, that there was something good in me... that I wasn't a failure, like everyone says. Every now and then, I'd search for that person, and I'd see the faith I needed in a girl. I would cling to that girl as if she were my lifeline, that I would be lost without her. But it seemed like every time I met someone, it turns out that their feelings were reserved for another.   
  
And so it went. I struggled, and I fought. But even though I was strong and tough, I couldn't win. Everyone knew I would fail, and no one thought that I could ever succeed. My friends would make jokes about it, and I would just beat them up a bit to stop their snickering.  
  
I never let them see me cry.  
  
I had gone through fifty rejections by the time I got to high school. By then, my sense of self-worth had dwindled to almost nothing. I was starting to feel that I was, in fact, nothing. I felt that I didn't matter, that I could never make a difference. No one saw any good in me, no matter how hard I wanted to show them.  
  
I started to think... perhaps there was nothing there to begin with.  
  
Haruko came in the nick of time.  
  
When we first met, she said that I was an athlete. She believed that I had a natural ability for basketball, an ability that most people didn't have. She even went as far as saying I was a genius!  
  
Or maybe that was me...   
  
But the point is that she said it, and I was flattered. She took me to the gym, and before I knew it, I was running down the court with a basketball in my hand. I found myself flying through the air, going for a slam dunk.   
  
She seemed genuinely impressed when I hit my head on the baseboard of the basketball hoop. I knew that I screwed up, but she didn't laugh. All she said was that I jumped really high, and that I could become a great basketball player. Never mind the fact that I didn't see basketball as anything but a kids' game. All that mattered to me is that there was something good in me after all, and that gave me a reason to fight again.   
  
Before long, I found out just how much better I could be. I was stronger and more dedicated than ever before. I joined the basketball club, and I made new friends. I became a real member of the team, and I like to think that they depend on me now. I know that as long as I do my best in what I'm supposed to do, then win or lose, there won't be any regrets.   
  
In joining the team, I've found that life can be fun. It doesn't have to be as cold and hard as winning or losing. There are situations where nobody loses, and everybody wins. There are times when the world can be a great place.  
  
I've also found that faith is a much more effective and powerful fuel source than pride and anger. In the team, I have proven myself, and I have earned their trust. In the same way, my teammates have proven themselves to me. Through good times and bad times, we have proven our abilities to each other, and we've always pulled through.  
  
We draw strength from faith, from each other... and together, we have the strength to swim through all the oceans in the world. 


End file.
